This is a picture of me aged about 2. All I know about the picture is that we were out for a walk along the Riverside in Knaresborough and I got an ice lolly. We lived in Knaresborough for the first few years of my life, in a flat above a SPAR mini market. My parents were young when they had me, my Mum was 17 I think and my Dad 19. I've always loved looking at the old pictures from back then. Thinking about how it must have been hard for them to have a child at such a young age but that they look so happy even with me in tow.
I should be looking at this picture fondly. I'm a reasonably cute child getting stuck into an ice lolly like my life depended on it.
But mostly when I looked at this picture I felt shame. It reminded me that I'm the kind of person that loves food. Not just loves food, REALLY loves food. And judging from this picture I always have.
I was the kind of child always wondering what my next meal would be. What's for tea? When are we having lunch?
I used to love going to my Nana's house across the road. She loved baking and kept a big chest freezer in the garage that was usually full of homemade cakes, cake bars and biscuits. Whenever we went over it seemed like there was delicious food to eat and I visited often.
One time at my Nana's we were all gathered around the kitchen table talking. My Nana put down a sandwich (or a pasty, I don't remember) on a plate in front of me. I picked it up and started to eat it. But she hadn't put it on the table for me. It was for my Uncle's lunch as he'd just got home from work. Everyone laughed and found it hilarious because I'd thought it was for me. I felt so ashamed, I could feel it burning my face and so I ran out of the house. I hid in the driveway of another house down the street for what felt like hours. All I could think of was that I should run away. I couldn't face the embarrassment of going back. Of course, I didn't run away and I just went home instead.
I'd always felt a kind of shame about wanting to eat food. It's never been as simple as wanting something to eat and then eating it. I felt aware when I was young that we were not the richest family and that food was sometimes limited. So I ate what was available. I never left food and ate whatever was on my plate.
This left me with an abnormal relationship with food. I was often hungry and tried to sneak food up to my room. But I was often caught and told off.
When I was about 13 or 14 I started dieting along with my Mum. Which led to 20+ years of feeling ashamed when I ate food. I couldn't properly enjoy food during that time. I was either dieting and restricting foods which made me unhappy. Or not dieting and feeling ashamed because I wasn't restricting food which made me unhappy. Dieting made me feel like a failure. Dieting made me focus so much on what I didn't like about my body that I didn't want to be alive.
As I dieted I'd have short periods of euphoria as I lost weight, followed by months of self loathing when the weight went back on plus more. And it always goes back on. The body doesn't want to lose weight, it fights back. It worries you're starving so slows down your metabolism. 95% of people who lose weight gain it back within 5 years.
As described in this article from the New York Times
Strangers feel like it's their business to criticise your food choices when you're overweight. One time I'd just got off work (I was working at Morrison's on the Deli Counter) and I was eating a tuna sandwich as a late lunch because it was about 2pm. I was sat waiting for the bus home and a guy said "Should you be eating that?". The answer I should have given was "Fuck off and mind your own business" and carried on eating my lunch. What I actually did was throw the sandwich away and cry in the bus station toilets. Because I felt so ashamed.
Luckily for me this story has a happy ending. About 10 years ago I decided enough was enough. I stopped dieting.
It followed another experience with food shame. JD and I were walking around Morrisons and I was looking for something to eat. I wanted something sweet but also I had that feeling where I felt ashamed that I wanted it. I was currently trying to "eat healthily". Code for dieting. JD being the lovely person that he is suggested I buy something healthy to eat because that's what he knew I wanted (deep down). I snapped at him and instantly felt that familiar shame at behaving like a maniac around food.
I haven't dieted since then and I've never been happier.
My weight (while still way over what is considered normal) has been consistent for the last 10 years. I eat what I want, when I want and have a MUCH better relationship with food. I can leave food if I'm full or I can have seconds if I'm still hungry. I find that now I don't crave sweet things like I did when I was dieting because I can eat them if I want to. I enjoy food and I don't feel ashamed about it anymore.
I've enjoyed blogging about food for the last 10 years. I've made and eaten a food from every country. I've made and eaten 101 different sandwiches. I've really loved trying new foods. Life is good!
I exercise for 20-30 minutes every day and I really enjoy it. Maybe because I don't have to exercise, I want to. I exercise because I know it's good for my body, not because I want to change my body. Which is lucky because despite being more active than I ever have it hasn't affected my weight at all. I've completed the Couch to 5k program, various challenges to do sit ups and squats. I do yoga, swim and go out walking. Last year I did a different exercise each month. Every month I'd do weekly (sometimes twice weekly) classes doing Boxing, Boot Camp, Kettlebell workouts and many more. I've never sweated so much in my life. But here I am, same size as ever.
But I'm happy at this size. It doesn't stop me enjoying my life. I'm not waiting until I'm slim to do things I want to do. I'm married to the love of my life with two kids I have a great relationship with. I recently re-trained and got a new job. I climbed up Pen-y-ghent. I won't stop challenging myself and living my life. I won't feel ashamed.
It's MY business what I eat and no-one elses. If anyone in the street wants to challenge me on that...good luck!
